Rhythm and Discipline

My life is in serious need of these two things right now. We are feeling the very negative effects of vacation and lazy days of summer.

My life is lacking rhythm. I take that back, there is always rhythm to life, but I'm not a fan of how mine looks right now. It's all reactive and none of it is proactive. All I do is play catch up and I don't want to plan our days so we are busy. We've been busy this summer and I want us to just wake up, do our morning routine and then find adventure in our yard or house or whatever. I like the idea of days on end with nothing on the calendar, but it's not working for us. I need something on the calendar or I need to make a fun activity feel impromptu but have it already planned for the kids.

When I'm already tired and there's nothing on the calendar, I get lazy. Down right, look at the house and ignore it lazy. I start disengaging with my children because they pose so many demands on me and then I grow tired by the minute.

I'm tired of eating baby carrots, grapes and banana's but too tired to cook.

When my rhythm of life is out of whack, I lack discipline to do the healthy habits that make me feel alive and ready for life. Eating right, exercising, showering regularly, sleeping, reading scripture. I haven't had the discipline for any of these life building activities, but that is going to change. I can't keep going on like this. I need to be proactive in changing the rhythm of my life.

These are my goals:

Wake up every morning at 6am before the kids and three days a week go for a run. The other four days to read and journal and pray. My soul is parched and in dire need of refreshment.

Stick to a strict bedtime of 1030pm. 11pm if Paul is home.

Create a chore schedule so that I don't feel overwhelmed and can tackle just one job a day.

Create one fun puzzle or game or activity for the kids and I per day.


That's all I can commit to right now. I have grand ideas of meal planning again, coupon clipping, pre making meals and freezing them, but frankly I can't think that much still. I'm still trying to survive and hoping just these few things will help.

A toast to better rhythm and bedtime soon! Yay!

Expectations

(Here is a short little bit I wrote while in the black hills of SD.)



It never fails. I always have them even when I try really hard not to.

This is our third year attending family camp at Outlaw Ranch in SD and we love it! Paul does music for the week and we get to tag along. We try to prepare, we enjoy the ride out and do all sorts of adventures during the week.

This year has proved to be a year of unvoiced, unknown, unmet expectations.

We have three kids this year which has proved a whole different ball game. A harder one at that too.

Here is a list of all the things I wasn’t expecting that has changed our experienced here at camp:

The boys having friends here that they have seen the last three years and wanting to play with them instead of us.

Our family sitting alone at a table because of our dietary needs, having a baby and generally just being really loud messy eaters makes us unapproachable to strangers.

Having a baby that needs to nap during our family outing time.

Heading to the cabin for bed time while the rest of camp sets off to campfire. (one of my favorite things ever!)

It being 110 degrees so our family can’t go out and enjoy the hundreds of hiking trails along the way.

Wanting ice cream and not being able to have it.

Being in a cabin far from the bathroom and having children that need to use it multiple times in the middle of the night and day.

Paul and I thinking it was a family vacation but only seeing each other to pass off children or responsibility. Our famous line is, “tag you’re it”.

Paul’s grandfather passing away this morning.

Forgetting to bring pillows and sheets for Paul and I, because apparently we only think about what the kids need. Blankets and clean clothes work wonders for a pillow.

Thinking I would have tons of time to read while I stay in the cabin with children, and instead being so tired I just sleep.

Thinking that all my expectations would be met.

What I have to come to realize is that if you have expectations, they will get you every time. They will disappoint you, level you and leave you feeling empty and hurt and sad.

When we live in expectations we only see what we want to see and only expect others to live the way we demand them to. When they don’t live up to our expectations, then we are left disappointed and we can no longer see truth, only hurt.

Camp started out rough. Letting go of expectations and accepting our week for what it was and my children for who they are and not who I want them to be.

After letting go of my expectations, the week was amazing.

My kids know too much

I have yet to figure out why I share these less than admirable moments with all of you, but here goes another one cause I laughed really hard on the inside.

Today I looked around my house and saw the piles of laundry, the limited clean dishes, the toys and food on the floor and the bills piled high. I saw it and then decided to take my kids to the park. (I told you I have a hard time coming back to normal life after a long vacation. I wasn't kidding.)

On our way out the door we packed up a lunch and headed out. We were meeting friends at 10am and it was 955am. The park is 20 minutes away. Big was riding his bike and middle wanted to ride his scooter. He got it out the door and hopped on. I told him we needed to head to the car and this is where chaos started.

Since the day middle was born he has had an ear piercing scream. Only one scream for all things. It's a life and death cry. It's loud and it's annoying. And it hasn't changed.

At the instant of saying he couldn't ride his scooter, I heard the cry. I was walking to the garage with big to put his bike away and the cry followed us.

Mistake #1 - I didn't really care about middle's feelings, I was distracted by how frustrated I was that early in the morning by the crying. So I started to approach my son, not with grace and help, but from a place of selfishness and frustration.

We entered the garage and he was crying about not getting a chance to ride his scooter and he wanted to bring it with us. I told him he couldn't because we were going to the playground to be with his friends. He kept crying saying he wanted to bring it with him and that he didn't get a chance to ride it that morning.

I told him once more he couldn't bring it and we had to get in the car. He said he wasn't moving. He wasn't going.

Mistake #2 - Middle was in the garage and I was outside the garage holding little. I told him nicely we were leaving now and started to close the garage. I was holding three bags and a baby and my middle kid was not cooperating. I needed to him to hurry, I didn't want to discuss this with him and help him understand. I just wanted him to obey me. So in an effort to get my way, I scared my child to think that I would lock him in the garage. I am not proud. I am actually very sad that this was my response. However, he came right out.

The kids and I make it to our car parked on the street and everyone is getting in except middle. I have little buckled in, all the bags in and big is in. I hop in the driver seat and middle is looking at me from outside the car on the curb crying to me that he wants his scooter. He looks at me and shows me that his scooter can fit under his feet and Noah's bike could fit in the back if I would just move the stuff around.

(That's kind of the point middle, I don't want to take the time and be even later and move all the stuff around so you can throw a temper tantrum and get your way.)

I nicely told him no and it was time to get in the car because we were all ready. He looked at me and said with all defiance,

"I will come with you. I will stay right here." and he shut the door.

Mistake #3 - (I can't believe I am admitting this.) I drove two feet in the car away from my son. I couldn't believe I did it when I did, and the look on his face made my heart ache. He truly thought I would leave him, but that is what I was communicating to him. I stopped the car almost immediately and he opened the door. He was crying and he said one more time, all I want is to bring my scooter. Please mom, can we bring my scooter?

I told him to get in the car. I realized at the moment that it didn't matter if we were late that is a park, and the other kids would be playing till we got there. I wasn't sure why I didn't the bike and scooter. There was no real reason. So I went to the alley and we got the scooter.

Before I got out of the car, I looked at my middle child and said, "You know mom doesn't support whining, and if you throw a temper tantrum you never get what you want. But I should have listened, and there is no reason not to bring your bike, so you can bring it. Next time instead of crying and screaming, please just talk to mom."

I was very cool about it. I never yelled or lost my temper. I was just calm.

Once we were all loaded in and we started to drive away, my middle child said,

"Mom, I'm gonna pray for you."

Big said, "Caleb can you say it quietly so I can hear too and pray for mom?"

My thought was, Are you kidding me? We're praying for me and its you two who can't handle the temper tantrums!

So middle prayed. This is was his prayer to God almighty who hears all we say.

"Dear God please help mommy and her temper tantrums. Take her temper away from her. Amen."

Big, "Amen. Good prayer Caleb."

Wow, sold out by own kid. Well, two can play at that game. I said.

"Caleb can I pray for you?" (oh yeah, you know where this is going.)

Me, "Dear God I thank you for my children and this day we will have together. Lord I ask that when Caleb and I disagree that you would help us communicate better and that when he is angry with me, he would use his words and talk to me instead of screaming. Lord help him to surrender his temper to you. Amen."

Mistake #4 - using prayer as a weapon to teach my kid a lesson.

I thought, that will teach him. I believe scripture says, before looking at the speck in someones eye, take the logo out of your own eye.

Did you hear me middle? That's right, scripture says to work on yourself first.

Oh, wait.

The bird and the soilder

Joy
by: Jake Erkens

Joy gives you wings
In difficult circumstances;
The problems don't go away,
but you can rise above them

Joy is not just a feeling or emotion
Joy is the pleasure of life
Life in itself cannot be life without Joy
Life is hard, but Joy can overcome it

Joy is only there if you accept it
Joy can be found at any time of the day
Say Joy were an angel, it would save you
Say Joy were a demon, it would haunt you

However, Joy can be anything you like or love
Mainly Joy comes to help you through life

Times of trials comes
Times of sadness comes
Joy is in the heart
Joy is bigger then sadness

Joy gives you wings to live another day
Joy is the reason why people smile back at you
Joy is Joy when you accept it

Instead of being the mom who was in charge of everything today, I got to go to a friends house and swim and enjoy friendship all day.

While Lu slept, I had this precious 45 minutes to play with my boys. To really play and laugh and make up silly jumps off the diving board.

That's all we did, jump off the diving board.

I'll be honest, I had this moment of not wanting to do it, but I thought, this would be fun to do with them, and I should do it. So I forced myself into the pool and into their world.

Moms rarely get to play. They are too busy taking care of the baby, holding the baby, preparing for a meal or cleaning up from meal. They are organizing all the activities, or changing diapers, or wiping butts or putting band aids on. Or to be totally honest, if everyone is busy, just sitting down and talking to another adult without interruption is the best thing in the world, so you sometimes you don't want to join the fun, you just want to sit.

Today I got to play and it filled my heart with joy.

When I play with my kids it gives me the opportunity to fall in love with them all over again. It shows me their laugh, their silliness, their imagination.

Playing with my kids reconnects me and strengthens the bond I have with them.

I am so thankful to my friend who provided the house and the sitter and the meals for a wonderful day away. A day away from responsibility and all the things that prevent me from playing with my kids.

Being reminded of that kind of play and joy has helped remind me to find it in my everyday life. To make the time to play. To force myself to be aware of the joy. I don't always have to be the rule enforcer, and dinner can sometimes wait.

I want more joy in my life.

Caleb's best jump was the bird where he pretended to be a bird even drowning in the water.

Noah's best jump was the solider.

I think mine was a flip since I'd never done one before! Yay go me!

The Tutors

I am currently slightly addicted to the Showtime TV show, The Tutors. OK, I lie, I am REALLY addicted to it. If you get past the flesh of the show, it just gets me thinking about so many things, the primary one being the station of women.

To be given in marriage with no consent.

To be given into an affair with the blessing of your father to further your family's standing.

To watch your husband have elicit affair after affair and you can only sit by and watch because if you have an affair, there is no way to prove that the child you carry is your husbands which is critical for survival.

If you can't bear a son, you are nothing.

You are rendered useless once you have born a son. You have done your job and there is now no use for you.

You are not seen for who you are, but for what pleasure you can bring a man.

The woman has no voice, no vote, no opinion, no say.

If you were born a girl and not a boy, there was immediate disappointment. You were unwanted right from your birth.

My free American brain can not conceive these ideas, these limitations, this slavery.

I have an opinion about almost everything.

I have an avenue for my voice to be heard in multiple arena's.

I met a man and fell in love and got the joyous opportunity to marry him by choice.

My heart is saddened and heavy when I watch period pieces. It makes me so grateful, and thankful and indebted to all the men and women who fought for me to have this voice. All the time, energy, money, and lives that were sacrificed for me to have this voice.

It also makes me very aware that there are thousands of women who still live in prison.

Who have no voice.

Who have no choice.

Who have no one to listen.

Please pray for all the women and children and men who live in emotional, social, and political prisons.

OK, now I have to continue watching the next episode. I just can't help myself.