Big is in Kindergarten!

So we did our rights of passage. (which we are pretty sure had no effect but I digress.)

I stayed up late researching great lunch options for my allergen free child.

We made our checklists for our morning routine to help us succeed in being prepared for school and have a peaceful time together as a family before parting ways.

We did a devotion on the armour of God and how we need to be prepared as children of God.

Then came our first day of school.

Paul brought out the necklace that we got for Big. After he was in his uniform, Paul explained that we wanted to give him a token to be worn each day that will remind Big of who he is. He is a child of God, bought with the blood of Christ. Behind the cross, is a guitar pick with his name on it. He loved it!



So he was armed and ready, and it was time to let him go. I have cried so much over this for the last two years, I didn't cry when he left with Paul. Though periodically throughout the day, truly random things would make me cry. I'm a work in progress I guess.



Noah wasn't sad at all. He was so excited and ready to be in school. We are so proud of him and pray continually that God is watching over him and helping him make choices that will bring Him glory and honor. And when he messes up, that Big will know he can come to his dad and me and he will find love and forgiveness with us. That we will help him figure out whatever hard thing he faces.

I am now a parent of a kindergartner. School will rule my life for the next dozen or so years.

Whew, still not ready for that and school has already started.

Way to go Big!

Choices

My husband and I have had lots of choices laid before us lately. At least it feels like more than normal. It's interesting to watch how we make choices and got me thinking about how others make choices.

Here's one choice I have struggled with, been at war with, and has been all consuming for about two years.

Homeschooling vs. traditional school.

Here's what I need you to know. I am not looking for your opinion, guidance, or thoughts on which one is better or which one we should do. I do not need the pros and cons for each side. I don't need to know which one you favor. In truth, it has nothing to do with what you think, the research you have, or how strongly you feel one way or the other. I believe with my whole my heart it has everything to do with how faithful my husband and I are to listening and trusting God with what is right for our family.

It's interesting for me to even be writing about this because I used to have very strong feelings against homeschooling. I am sorry if this statement offends you, but that is where I was at. I thought it was terrible that so many Christian families were pulling their kids out of the schools. The place where we need to be more than ever. I thought it went against God's call for us to live out our faith where we are. To be a light to the lost, etc.

Then two summers ago, I was speaking at a youth camp and when I was out for my morning run I was praying and all of a sudden I felt something very strongly towards homeschooling and started to think about it is a viable option for my kids. To say I was stunned and confused is an understatement. I had no idea what to do with what I was feeling, and the feelings wouldn't go away. Later that week I decided to call my mom. I usually do that if I need to process something and talking to God felt very confusing since I had no idea how to process what I was hearing and feeling.

So the war in my mind, body and soul started. I was terrified of homeschooling and so I kept it my little secret for some time. I couldn't dare say it out loud because then I might actually have to do something with it. I fought it. I prayed about it. I read about it. I cried over it. I obsessed over it. I cried some more about it.

God was changing my heart. My very stubborn, hard, judgmental heart. I had previously judged homeschooling very harshly, and now God was breaking my attitude. He was calling me to obedience to search his truth. He was calling me to let down my walls and see something beautiful. He was calling me to open my heart to see that there is more than one right way to raise your children. God was freeing me of judgment.

I think freedom from judgment is one of the most beautiful gifts to ever be received. It allows us to see people, issues, and life outside of our own preconceived ideas and opinions. It allows for more grace and compassion towards our fellow man kind instead of their misdeeds against the institution we believe in.

Here's one problem with me. I have many, many issues, but for the sake of this already long blog, we will stick to this one main issue. I am the first to admit that I am a person who loves to do what she wants. I want to eat so I will. I want to do this, so I will. I don't want to work out, so I won't.

I live on my will. But my will changes all the time. And my will is based on my feelings.

You should hear my prayers, most of the time I cry out to God to hear his voice above my own, and usually it is where doubt plaques me. I start to doubt if I am doing what I am doing because its what I want, or because I know it is what God wants.

Another thing you should know about me is that when I am pregnant, I am emotionally stunted. It kind of has turned into a joke with those who are close to me. It is also how I knew I was pregnant this last time. My husband was sharing something with me that constituted at least a little bit of feeling from me, and I had nothing. I could care less. He saw my blank expression and at the same time, we both knew. I was pregnant. I live this way for nine months, struggling to stir up any kind of emotion, and then for about a year after the baby is born, I can't stop crying over the littlest of things.

My daughter is now 18months old, and so that means for the last two years of this war within myself, I have been emotionally stunted and emotionally unstable. Most of the time, I just have had no idea how to gauge who I am or what is real or not real inside of me.

So I finally had the courage to tell my husband, who I knew was not a big fan of homeschooling, what I was wrestling with. We talked about it and decided that I should home school the boys for a year and research schools in Mpls to know what our options were. I wanted to check into schools because much like homeschooling before, I was casting lots of judgments on a program and a system I didn't know anything about. I hadn't stepped inside an elementary school since I went to one, and yet, was acting like the devil himself had taken charge of them.

So I went and researched dozens of schools and visited half a dozen. We applied at three just to see what happened and to really get an idea of what our options really were.

About this time is when Big was off the charts crazy angry and I was crying all day every day, calling my mom three times a day begging for help. Desperately seeking prayers and answers and guidance. I was drowning under the pressure of three highly active, determined, passionate, stubborn children. We had no rhythm to our daily lives. I take that back, survival was our goal and what drove all of our decisions. I would strive for some sort of schedule, but discipline, guidance and correction would overtake all else.

It was a rough year. The roughest since my mild depression after my second was born and it was my first year as a stay home mom wrestling with my identity and who I was now that I wasn't working.

I felt lost. I felt like the worse version of myself. I was letting everyone around me down with communication and expectations I had of myself. I didn't know to live very well. And here I wasn't just struggling; I was deeply affected with this decision of homeschooling vs. traditional schooling for my family.

If you spend any significant time with me, you will soon realize that I don't really debate. I don't argue, and I don't take a stand on many issues. Most often, right or wrong, I can see and understand both sides of the issue. If you are going to argue a point, I get it and can agree with you. But often, I can see the other side and understand the reasoning, especially if it is an issue not of right or wrong, but of difference.

Schooling in my opinion is an issue of difference. I do believe with my whole heart that God blesses homeschooling and traditional schooling. I believe it is a matter of what is right for each individual family.

My issue is that I deeply see the benefits of homeschooling and traditional school.

What I love about homeschooling is the slower pace to life. More time with my kiddos to have hands on life experience and "field trips". To continue to guard and protect their hearts. To teach them what they need to know all in the context of God as provider, protector and King. To protect their innocence as long as possible. To move them past so much of the social struggles and instill a deeper maturity. To allow them to be kids longer, play more, and learn at their own pace. I know there is more, my list is long, but right now, the words escape me.

What I love about traditional schooling is allowing my son to grow into himself outside of me and his siblings. To learn things I can't teach him; to learn authority from others and follow more structure. To struggle with the way others do life and then come home and allow us to help him make choices and walk through those issues with him. It allows him the ability to make a choice about his faith on his own. It allows me a bit of time to spend with his siblings and get to know them more intimately. Again, there is more to my list, but not in my head.

There are also cons, but not necessary to discuss right now. I also bring a big set of fears into both issues. Can I be enough to my kids if I'm all they have? What if my child discovers another set of rules, faith, way of living inside school and chooses that instead? Do I want us to live a life that is filled with "busy"? Just because it’s what everyone says you should do, do you do it? What if we've made the wrong choice?

Through the course of the last couple months I have been settled into sending our son to Chinese Immersion School. This is an incredible opportunity for him to learn about the world. To study language and have a mind for language which is a huge gift considering how large his world will be with internet and the global job market. It will aid him in loving, understanding others and keeping judgment on the differences between people at bay. This is a rare gift.

Then I started to struggle with home school again. The first time I deeply prayed over it, I realized I wanted to home school because I thought I could control my children's salvation. I thought I could guarantee they would be saved and they would want a relationship with me and be different than all the teenagers I speak with at youth events.

My desire to home school was solely based on fear and a non-existent trust in God.

Now my desire to home school was for all the benefits that home school offered. This was very different. But I wasn't just looking at traditional schooling vs. homeschooling; I was looking at a rare wonderful opportunity of an immersion school for my son.

It was great option 1 vs. great option2. The need to decide was heavy on my heart. Killing my concentration, and consuming my thoughts. What should I do?

I was terrified to pray about it afraid that God would tell me to home school. If he told me to home school, could I do it? I would be divided against my husband on the issue and that was not tempting to me. What if I failed? What if I heard wrong? What if I took an amazing gift of Chinese immersion away from my son and it was the wrong choice?

So I stepped slowly into praying about it. I tiptoed in. Scared and being honest with God about where I was at, but confident He had an answer for me. Then, I slowly heard, this is your choice right now. For right now, it’s your choice. What do you want to do?

Then I got upset and a little ticked off. How dare He! If he told me to home school or go to immersion school than at least I had him to blame for my choice. I needed a scapegoat, and he wasn't giving me one.

If it was my choice, and the pro and con list was equal on both sides, how does one decide?

How do you make choices in your life? How do you choose between two really good things? How do you know what the right answer is?

For me, I wept. Every night for over a week, I went to bed early to read, journal and pray. Mostly I just wept in honest confession about all my fears, confusion, and tiredness. I confessed I was exhausted from this war. I needed an answer. I couldn't trust myself. I begged and pleaded to God to grant me peace so I could hear his voice and make a decision.

His peace did come. I did find rest. And it didn't come in the pro's and con's list. It didn't come with the knowledge of the benefits or fears for either side. It came in being faithful to listen to God and hear his voice. It came in trusting Him to be enough no matter what the decision.

I also realized that my son will not face the enemy in all the ways I fear in Kindergarten. I realized that now is probably not the time for me to make such a choice, and for now, we keep him in this amazing opportunity of immersion school. This will allow him time to grow into himself. This will allow me time to be with my other two. This will allow me time to breathe, slow down a little, and pray some more. It will allow me time to let go of some of the control I imagine I have over my children's souls and futures.

Mostly it will allow time to bring healing, answers, and hope for our choice. This choice is not for forever. We are taking it year by year, and we choose tradition school for this year. I am usually peaceful about this choice. But the first day of school brought back my fears, sadness and awareness at the weight of how big going to school is.

My son is a kindergartener at Chinese Immersion School in Minneapolis and he loves it. This is apart of his story and God will bless it. I can’t wait to see how he will teach us all, stretch us, guide us, and daily bring us into his grace and mercy. For all my control issues, I will be reminded continuously that there is only one who knows all.

But if I could pick one superhero power, it would be hindsight.

Right of Passage

I had spent the better part of the last few months mourning my son going to school. I have been sad to start this new stage of our life. The stage where he spends more time away from home than at home. The stage where we increasingly get busier and I just become the driver. I'm not ready for this. (cause it's all about me right?)

Then I had a very good friend of mine ask if I was going to have talk with Big about starting school. It got me thinking about rights of passage and how we are one of very few cultures that actually transition their young men and women to the next stage of life.

I know this sounds really early, but my husband and I had been talking for some time about what that looks like for us to create these moments in our children's lives. Moments that they can look back on and say, "On this weekend, my dad took me on a special trip and we talked about what it means to be a man of God." Things along these lines.

We wanted to do a small version of this when our children start school. This is a significant moment of time. A time in their life when everything changes. There become other significant players in our children's lives. We wanted to take the time to remind them who they are. What does it mean to be a Christian in a non christian world? What do you do when something someone else does bothers you? Who do you tell? What do you say? These are just the beginning of the things we wanted to touch on in our special evening with Big.

If you read my previous post, you will know that Big ate candy he isn't supposed to have. We thought yesterday was going to be the day we saw the side effects.

We were wrong.

Today would be the day.

The last time Big ate a whole plate of pasta when he wasn't supposed to, he became a CRAZY angry person. This time he had five jelly beans. I never thought our kid was ADD. Today, I thought, if I didn't know any better, I would medicate him.

Holy Cow. Couldn't sit still, couldn't stop moving, couldn't stop running, couldn't stop touching everything in the store. He just couldn't stop!

So Paul and I started our time with Big taking him to the store to get his backpack for school. A special outing to signify his new adventure.

Here's big with his backpack of choice. He prefers the over the shoulder. We almost walked away with a pink princess one, but he told me I should get it and hold on to it when I missed him. We left it at the store.



After we got Big his spiffy new backpack, we headed to the Co-op for a special treat and took it to the sculpture gardens. It was about 65 degrees outside, not really ice cream weather, so we ate the icr cream in the greenhouse. Big choose green tea ice cream, so he got his own. No one wanted to share with him.



While eating ice cream, Paul and I started to chat with Big about the responsibility of school, being a child of God, what to expect, and how mom and dad were there for him. We also affirmed all the things we love about him and what his gifts are. I am pretty sure all of this was lost on our child who only cared about watching the chipmunk that made his way into the greenhouse. Remember the ADD kid? This was the wrong day to try to implant knowledge into our son.

Paul was trying so hard to turn this afternoon into what we had imagined, and it just wasn't working. We had to keep laughing about it, and keep trying.

After we chatted a little and ate some icrecream, we ventured out to the gardens to walk around. OK, let's be honest, Big ran and climbed everywhere, and Paul just chased him around, trying to wear him out.

This little moment was a rare one today because they are walking.



After we walked for a little bit, and played, Big really had to use the bathroom. The only one we could find was this one.



So we sent our kid over, he did his business and climbed himself over once again. Paul and I had our whole story worked out for the police in case they should happen to arrive.

After our restroom break, we sat our little china man down, Big is going to Chinese Immersion school on Thursday. It was time to pray over Big. I love praying over my kids and them getting an opportunity to hear what is on my heart in regards to them. This was special because Paul prayed first and then I got to pray over our little man. Prayers for wisdom, courage, strength, joy. Prayers for Big, his friends, his teachers. Prayers for Paul and I and God's wisdom in our lives and discernment in raising Big. I felt so good our prayer time.

Before the Amen was even complete, Big was up and starting to run away to play in the sculptures. Paul and I just shook our heads.

We had all sorts of plans for our special time. I clearly had many expectations of how it was going to go, how spiritual it would be, and the wisdom we would pass on to our child. i felt like none of those things happened.

But we did have a good time. We had some great conversation, and before Big starts school he will have a special bracelet to wear everyday to remind to whom he belongs.

Big was reminded that he is a child of God and that God will use him to bless others at his school. That he can be a witness to all those who he encounters.

It was our first rights of passage, and hopefully we get a LOT better at this because this one felt a little ridiculous.

So apparently a plate of gluten makes my son crazy angry. A few sugared candies gives him crazy energy. Both of which happen two days after eating it.

Good to know.

If you've never prayed a heartfelt prayer over your child, I encourage you to do so. It is a very rewarding, riching experience, I would assume for the child as well.

A little insight

These last few days during my devotion time, God has been putting cracks in my composure and breaking down my sense of control. I have wept this last week confessing to God my fears, doubts, and insecurities as a person, a mother, a wife and a friend. I have confessed to God that I don't even know what to pray but that I am weary of the battle. The battle of mistrust. The battle for control.

Prayer this week has lifted my burden and I have felt peace.

Until today.

Today I worked all day on preparing food for big's birthday party. He turned six today. Tomorrow we celebrate with friends Green Lantern style. We are having BBQ Chicken Bites, corn on the cob, potato salad, green smoothies, guacamole and chips, green fruit Kabobs and Cake balls. All of this will be homemade to adhere to our family diet. The diet that was started because of Big, but followed through because it the best choice for our family. BBQ sauce's main ingredient is ketchup, but to have ketchup without sugar, we make our own. We started with homemade ketchup, moved to BBQ sauce from scratch, cake, frosting, potato salad, and guacamole all from scratch. It was a big day in the kitchen, but I love doing it for my kids. I love what it means for them, I love their help in the kitchen and all around its a good ole time.

Then Middle came in with a treat that his friend from outside gave him. I told him he couldn't have it, but offered him a treat he could have. That is when he informed me that Big did have the treat.

I was a little stunned. Big is so good about saying no, and knowing what he can and can't have.

I went outside and saw the treat in question was jelly beans, and so I asked Big to open his mouth and there I smelled the jelly beans and could see the remains in his teeth.

I was stunned.

I was speechless.

Two weeks ago I accidentally gave Big regular noodles when I thought they were rice noodles. The effects of that lasted for three days. I cried, we yelled, we fought, Big was possessed once again and was screaming and loosing control. He was defiant, disobedient, he would dig his heels in and fight me on every turn.

This is what happens when he eats what he shouldn't.

Now on the day before his party, he ate what he wasn't supposed to. I was heartbroken. I had just spent the whole day cooking and baking and trying new recipes, all to help my son live life to the fullest.

Now he had poisoned himself. I know what's coming and I am weary to think of it. The attitude, the fights, the irrational behavior, and I know he can't help it. It's like something else takes over his body.

I couldn't believe how much I felt broken. How devastated I felt. I have changed everything. EVERYTHING! And still I ultimately can't control what he eats.

It has to be his decision.

And I get it. I truly do. I want things I shouldn't eat, don't we all? I mean come on, most of us don't have discipline when it comes to food we should and shouldn't eat, and here I am asking my son to never give in. Ever. But the problem comes in that eating what he shouldn't, my son changes our whole family dynamic. It is tense, angry, and frustrating. I don't like what it does to my relationship with my him. But I get wanting to eat what everyone else is.

Here is why I ended up weeping on more than one occasion today.

For all that I do to help my child, he has to make the choice himself. What that does mean is that I am looking at years of not knowing when he choose poorly. Our whole family will suffer when he does. My response to him and our interaction is strained and angry and I don't want to live like that. But again, the choice s not mine.

While feeling the weight of those words, God slowly spoke to my heart.

Here he is, investing in us. Giving to us. Blessing us. Teaching, training, correcting, loving and sacrificing for us. Giving us everything he has for our betterment. For us to have fulfilling life. Yet, ultimately we have to choose him every day and what he offers us. When we choose the things in our lives that hurt us, it also hurts Him and our relationship with Him. The things that everyone else has. The stuff we want even when we know its not good for us. And then that stuff, the TV, the addictions, that one relationship, food/drinks, popularity, whatever that thing is that hurts us that takes us from the loving arms of the one who made us.

We hurt him and our relationship with him when we choose things over him.

This road of being allergy free seems longer to me today. I lost more control today. God stripped me of it and reminded me of my place and His place in my son's life. This will happen again, and we will be there to deal with it. Live through it, and hopefully learn from it.

I just need to figure out how to love myself and my son during these times when we will be tested.

God has granted me a small insight into the depth of his love and desire for us.

I am thankful to know a piece of his heart that I did not before.

But truthfully, I wish it didn't demand so much from me. I will wrestle with that next week.

Homemade in the city

Today was a great day, and I tried to document in photo's to share the joy.

This morning I took the kids with a friend of mine and her son downtown to the Minneapolis Farmers market. We were in need of some produce that doesn't grow in our garden. A little crazy with wired kids running around downtown.



Here is a look at all the great things we got, and yes that is a lot of fresh ginger, garlic and plantains.



And this was a treat for me. I couldn't resist the deep enticing colors. I split them between three vases and placed them around my house.



After we got home, another friend of mine came over with two little girls that she nanny's. We had planned to walk down to the cemetery to pick crab apples to make homemade sugar free jelly. I have read that crab apples make the best jam. I know what you might be thinking, that I took my kids to the cemetery to pick apples, but the apple trees line the perimeter of the grounds and there are over two dozens trees that are free for picking. Otherwise they would just go to waste.

(mmmm....food going to waste, and so you make the most of it. Sounds like my previous post, and there I was in a place of judgement and now I stand in the same place. Funny how God works those things.)

When you read this it sounds like it was a really great fall day, but I have to be honest, today it hit 95 degrees and because of the humidity if felt more like 115. We walked these kids more than 8 blocks and forgot to bring water. I know. Rock star mama. We stopped at business office, yes of the cemetery to see if we could get a drink of water. The men working were so kind looking at us drenched in our sweat dragging the kids inside. They did want to know why we had a step ladder walking around cemetery. My first thought, was OH CRAP he's gonna tell us we can't pick the apples. I kept thinking, most of the time I live by the philosophy, do now and ask for forgiveness later. This wasn't going to work this time. So I fessed up and told the truth with my most sheepish look and asked if that would be OK. They said of course, that's what their there for.

Then I thought, why have I been dragging my kids down to the apple orchards every year and paying a pretty penny to do this when I can go 8 blocks and do it for free?

Regardless, we had a great time! Here are my boys on the step ladder, working together to get the apples.



Middle was a very hard worker and very slow to find the right apples.



He couldn't reach most of the them, so I stepped in to help.



Little was the one in charge of inspection. She got fired after she kept eating the ones she got.



We thought we should get a photo of all the kids and all the apples they helped pick. One whole bucket full! That's a lot of crab apples.


And no, Big doesn't need the helmet, he just likes it.

Here's a close up of all the kids hard work. And Cassie and helped too!



On our way home, we walked and watched cop car after cop car scream by us, block of roads and patrol our area. We joked about how we were trying to be all farmer like and harvest food and make things homemade, but we totally live in the ghetto. The contrast was very striking today. Live where your planted right?

On our way home, still dripping in sweat, we decided to walk through the park. The park boasts a really great wadding pool. We decided to all jump in with our clothes on and cool off.


Or just stick your head in.

The baby was enjoying playing on the seal!



The best part was dripping wet from the pool and walking home to dry off. Once we got home, we were hot again and refreshed ourselves with cucumber water and fruit Popsicles.





After a rest, the boys manned up and helped seprate the good apples from the bad apples. Considering the kids picked the apples, I was pretty impressed how many good apples there were!



After the apples were sorted, we decided to try our hand at our first batch of jelly. Most jelly uses a 1 to 1 ratio of water/juice to sugar. We don't eat sugar so we decided to try a little honey instead. Instead of using all our apples and trying a new recipe with all of our spoils, we only used four cups of apples. We boiled them up, and then mashed them.



After we boiled four cups of apples, we got about two cups of juice to start our jelly. We added one cup honey and let it boil for another 10 minutes. It seemed to have worked, so we put it in a jar, and stuck in the fridge. We'll let you know how it turned out. We have a huge bowl of apples waiting for a recipe that works. If you have any tips, just let me know. We have no idea what we're doing. We just wanted to have fun.