Overwhelmed

You know what happens on vacation? You get to rest. Everything in life has the opportunity to stop or slow down and you can for the first time in a long…relax.

When your body relaxes and you have the time to slow down, you start to see your life for all that it is. It’s crazy schedule, projects, expectations, difficulties, etc. It all has a chance to sink in.

All my crazy is sinking in, and what I realized is how tired I am. I am over emotional and over tired. I am dry to the bones in patience, kindness, energy, and spiritual encouragement.

I’m tired.

I realize that people live lives that are far more difficult than mine. I don’t want to be a complainer nor do I look for sympathy. What I would like to communicate is honesty. My current reality feels overwhelming.

I am overwhelmed by current and distant friends generosity to my family.

I am overwhelmed by seeing the body of Christ as he has meant it to be, loving each other and those we don’t know well in their time of need.

I am overwhelmed by the hearts of my parents in the way they care for me and my children.

I am overwhelmed by the work, phone calls, receipts, tiles, shingles, paint colors we have to deal with to fix our house.

I am overwhelmed by the wonder and difference of my neighborhood every time I see it.

I am overwhelmed by the statement, “A tornado hit our house.”

I am overwhelmed by Gluten Free.

I am overwhelmed by Soy Free.

I am overwhelmed by Dairy Free.

I am overwhelmed by Sugar Free.

I am overwhelmed by High Fructose Corn Syrup Free.

I am overwhelmed by Artificial Food Coloring Free.

I am overwhelmed by Pork/White potato Free.

(They each get their own line because each comes with their own issues, and each is equally overwhelming, let alone all together.)

I am overwhelmed by being the “No mom”. No, you can’t eat that, No you can’t drink that, No we can’t eat there, No we can’t buy that, No mom can’t make you that. Etc.

I am overwhelmed by two boys who truly do love each other, yet can’t seem to get through a day without fighting every 10 minutes.

I am overwhelmed by a daughter who is stronger willed than my other two strong willed boys put together.

I am overwhelmed by our budget and money.

I am overwhelmed by the lack of attention my speaking business has received the last couple months.

I am overwhelmed by all the thoughts in my head that want to become blogs or books or talks.

I am overwhelmed with guilt that I haven’t taken any serious time to read scripture or pray for strength.

I am tired.

I admit to these things publicly not to receive sympathy or judgment (maybe you think I shouldn’t feel overwhelmed, and to that I say good for you, you are a stronger person than I am and don’t come to my house cause I’ll be angry with jealously for you). I say these things to be honest about where I am.

I used to be a person who thought I had it all together, or pretended enough to try to fool others and myself. Not anymore. This is my day of freedom. I am done trying to impress people. I am done trying to look or sound or act or fool myself into believing that I have this thing called life figured out.

I am having not just having a hard day, but a hard couple of months. This is my reality. In being honest about it, I don’t wish to be a complainer or not look for joy in my situation. Admitting it, frees me to be honest, and take down my false expectations. In being honest, I don’t have to waste time trying to impress anyone anymore. Now I can truly just be me, and try to find the light in every day even when I feel overwhelmed.

Today my daughter hugged me tight and giggled when she saw me. A light.

Today my son told me his life was better because I was in it. A light.

Today my parents kissed me goodnight and encouraged me to go to bed at 8pm and take the night for myself. A light.

Tonight I get to read a book for pleasure. A light.

Tonight I pray. A light.

Sunrise

For all the sunrises that I have seen in my life, I measure them all by one I experienced a few years back in Haiti. I woke up earlier than expected and noticed that it was starting to get light outside. I thought a sunrise would be a perfect morning quiet time. I remember sitting up on the roof of the guesthouse for over an hour waiting for the sun to come up. Dawn really is a truly beautiful process. Watching the world come to life, the sky, the earth and everything in it left me quiet and content and full of peace.

This morning I started out at 330am with my three kids to drive 12hours to my parents house just outside of Detroit. I knew the sun rose at about 530, so I was hoping against all hope that if we started in the dark, they would go back to sleep. I had them in the car at 3am. Then before we even left house, one had an accident and we had to get out, clean up and get changed. Then as we pulled away from the house, I dropped my cell phone and bent down to pick it up. While I wasn't looking, I ran into a parked car on my block. Just a bump, and no damage done, but not the thing you want to happen in front of your kids.

We were off to a great start wouldn't you say?

The kids were full of wonder and awe as drove away in the middle of the night and they watch the city lights. It's the best way to start an adventure.

We were half an hour into our drive and 37 questions later at around 4am, dawn started to break. I couldn't believe it. Just the very smallest crack of light changes that section of the sky.

The kids quickly fell asleep almost right after that and I had the incredible opportunity to drive, watch, reflect and listen to soulful music.

Its amazing to me how scripture says we are to be the reflection of Christ/God himself. That we are to point to the one to come. That our life is a smaller light to the real light that will cast out all darkness.

It truly reminds me of the dawn and sunrise. Our lives are the dawn before the sunrise. Our Christ like examples in how we live, speak and love one another is a taste of what is to come. It casts out fear, doubt, hatred, judgements, anger, and all things that take life away from us. We can be that light. We can be that foretaste.

But...

nothing compares to the sunrise.

I remember sitting on that roof in Haiti and even this morning on my drive. It was light outside. There were no shadows, you could see everything, but then the sun came, and everything lit up. The trees reflected light. The water glittered. There was radiance around everything, and the sky changed. The light that seemed perfectly acceptable before was all of sudden less.

Twice a day the sky is different. It's pink, red, mauve, lavender, teal, orange, cream, tangerine as big would say. It's stunning. Of all the colors the sky can become, it is only at sunrise and sunset that these colors appear. The reminder that no matter what happens in life, you can count on the sun to rise and to set. It has never disappointed. It has always been faithful. It has always shown up. It has kept its promise to be there, even amidst clouds, it shines above. The Son shows up and brings radiance.

Brilliance.

Power.

Beauty.

Breathtaking faithfulness.

No matter the beauty of the dawn, and dawn is critical to wiping out darkness, nothing compares to the Son.

After my pondering's, my peacefulness, and my hour of worship, the kids woke up.

We sang along to musical's, had diarrhea on the side of the road, made five potty stops, clogged a toilet and watched it spill over all over the bathroom, listened to books on CD, ate yummy food, told jokes, got stuck in crazy traffic, I drank two sodas (which is a lot for me), one large coffee and had more plantains that I care to recount to stay awake and finally made it my parents house.

The rest of my day was loud and filled with joy and life. I didn't see the sun set, but I know it did because its dark outside. I can count on the sun. I know that after the dark of midnight, the dawn will come and so will the sunrise.

Be the dawn.

Point to the Son.

A fun distraction

I currently have a thousand things to do. Truly. We have contractors we are setting up, we are getting a new boiler, new windows and trying to plant before we leave for a month of travel. The kids and I will be leaving on Sunday to visit my folks in Detroit. My in-laws surprised us yesterday by coming and visiting for a couple days. Its been crazy and good.

Instead of doing anything I should do, I made some new napkins!

I received an early birthday present today. My in-laws bought me a new sewing machine. I had been using Paul's grandmother's machine to get me started, but since it has been decided that I enjoy and will be sewing clothes soon, we upgraded! To test my skills, I wanted to start something small and simple. Cloth napkins seemed perfect!

So tonight instead of cleaning or cooking or organizing, or even better, SLEEPING! I made 12 napkins! Here they are.


There are three different patterns and four napkins of each pattern. They are a smaller Tea time size and perfect for us!



We use the dishes my husband grew up with. They are white with little blue flowers. I thought these napkins would fit perfect.

And yes, because they were so fun and easy to do, you can expect a similar pairing for a Christmas present from me. I am currently in love with my new sewing machine and I have gained confidence in my ability to sew straight lines. I have a shower curtain waiting for my attention, but I'm not brave enough yet.

I think I will find the ability and time later this summer and I can't wait. Doing something creative with my hands really helps give me perspective and makes me feel energized. It feels good to be crafty.

Thank you Mom and Dad for supporting my creative habits! I love you both.

The grind of daily life

I have often wondered what the point of my blog is. If I knew, than it would be easier to figure out what to share with you all. Most of the time, its to remind myself to see God in all things and have hope that I am not alone. I believe that by sharing life we encourage one another and support each other in making through each day.

Lately, some of my energy has returned and it has felt like there just really aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done. My children have been extra needy, little has been sick for over a week, and not only is my house messy and dirty, its highly unorganized. Its the trfecta of chaos. I don't need a really clean home, I truly don't, but when half my windows are boarded up, there is still glass in my yard and tarps on the roof, I need something cleaned. Give me at least one room, or part of a room. I'll take even that. So the past week has just been staying up late, cleaning, organizing, and just more cleaning. I haven't slept much and haven't once opened my Bible for encouragement.

I am running on empty.

You know what happens when I run on empty? I become the leader of cranky. I become the worst version of myself. The version of myself that I try to never admit to anyone that she really exists. I want to pretend that she never shows up, but frankly, she has taken up camp in my house. Every time I open my mouth, I'm not proud of what comes out. When I'm running on empty, every spill is a tragedy, every disagreement is the end of the world, every nag for a snack sounds like a shouting match. When I'm running on empty, there is no peace in my house.

Yesterday was probably one of the worst days I've had in a while, and that's really saying something considering how overwhelmed I've felt as of late. I couldn't believe who I had become. I think I apologized for my behavior every half hour.

Then family snuggle time happened.

A few times a week the whole family piles into mine and Paul's bed. We turn the soft lamp on and some gentle music, then we just hang out. We bring a book in, we read, we giggle, we tickle, we snuggle. We pray over the kids, and talk about our day. We ask for forgiveness and whatever happened that day just sort of washes away. Family snuggle time grounds us. It cleans us. It strengthens us. It reconnects us. No matter what feels overwhelming in life, this cherished time in bed is protected.

I like to be honest about my life. I want to communicate the reality of who I am and what life can be like, but I don't just want to complain when things are hard.

I feel beyond blessed to have a family that forgives me when I am at my worst. I am so thankful for friends who remind me that life is overwhelming right now. That it's OK to mourn all the things lost in the last month and thankful for friends who send loving emails and cards in the mail. I am indebted to my mother who listens to me everyday and lifts me up in prayer.

Even at my worst, I have so much to be thankful for. When God feels distant or my relationship with him is stale, I am encouraged to know that he meets with me through the friends and family in my life.

The only thing I have read in scripture in that two weeks in my children's Bible stories, and yet, even that is enough to remind me that God is and will be my strength. That I am not left alone to my own devise.

I should go to bed now so I can get up and spend time with the Lord in the morning, or I could just do it now.

Morning breakfast conversation

This made my day. Enjoy.

This morning at breakfast while we delighting in kale/onion/garlic egg scramble with cucumbers and grapes on the side, the boys wanted to know about chicken eggs. How come they weren't babies? I told them it was because the eggs weren't fertilized.

Big (Noah) - "What does fertilized mean?"

me - "The eggs need seed to form a baby chicken."

Middle (Caleb) - "Where does the seed come from?"

me - "From the rooster. The boy has the seed and the girl has the egg. This is the way it works for all boys and girls in animals and in humans." (in my head, I was worried about where this was headed.)

They didn't miss a beat.

Middle - "you have eggs in your tummy? WHaaaT?"

me - "All girls have eggs in their bodies. Remember how I told you that God took a piece of me and a piece of daddy and created a baby? I have the egg, and daddy has the seed. (please don't ask where they come from!!!) When the egg doesn't get the seed, it just washes out of mommy's body. It doesn't become a baby."

Big - "So God goes into your body to make a baby?"

Middle - "No he's already in there remember Noah, he's in your heart, so he travels through your body from your heart to your tummy to make the baby. Right mama?"

me - "well..."

Middle - "But what about the fire?"

me - "what fire? when did we get fire?"

Big - "Ohhhh, remember mama the Holy Spirit came and there was fire on their heads? The disciples got the Holy Spirit after Jesus left, and that's whose with us. Is that in your body?"

Middle - "Noooo, not that fire. God sent down fire remember Noah. They built the rocks and poured water on it and than God shot down fire with his hands, (make explosion noises here).

Big - "Ohhhh, you mean Ahab! Yea he was worshipping Baal and then Elijah threw down a challenge and God sent fire on his alter."

Little just sat there looking at her big brothers like it was a ping pong match stuffing her face with a banana.

I'm not sure how the conversation happened, and for some reason beyond me we started talking about where babies come from and ended up discussing the Holy Spirit and old ancient Biblical kings.

I giggled at the end. At least I didn't have to explain sex. Dodged a bullet there.