Confessions of a food addict

I have to say up front that I have an eating dysfunction.  This is different than an eating disorder.  A disorder is a disease that you can't stop yourself.  You need intervention and outside help.  I may see the line, but I never cross it.  I just like to get real close, let it control me for awhile, then step in and reclaim my life.  But I have been on this crazy roller coaster, my whole life and I need to call it like I see it and own it.

I use food as my reward, my consolation prize, to fill time, because I had a bad day, because I can, because I did stuff for everyone else today and eating this cake is for me, because I am sad, I am lonely, I am anxious, I am happy, I am angry, I am depressed.  It has become my habit to eat when the kids are sleeping in the afternoon and at bed time.  I eat when I am alone, and when I am at a party because I will start my diet tomorrow and I never get to eat this kind of fun food.  I eat because I am in front of the TV and because I worked out, now I can have a treat.  I eat to reward myself and to punish myself.  I keep eating once I have fallen of the band wagon, because well, I am already off the band wagon.  Sometimes I eat till I hurt because then maybe I'll stop, because I can't stop on my own.  I will eat the whole box of cookies because you can't leave any in there, because then I'll just eat them tomorrow and I am starting a new diet tomorrow, so I'll eat them all today.  I'll eat after dieting for 4 day's because I DIETED FOR FOUR DAYS!

Food has become my response to everything.  It is my idol.  It is what I think about all the time.  Trying to avoid it or overcome it or resist it.

When I say this, I can already hear the comments, "It's that way for everyone.  You aren't the only one.  So many people struggle with the same thing.  It's normal."  Even if all those things are true, I don't want that to be my normal!  First of all, having idols is against God's design for our lives.  It's actually the first of the big 10, "Have no other God's before me."

I say this to you because over the last year and half, as my family has radically changed their diet, I told you that I was committed to our healthy eating lifestyle.  I made the change because I believe in supporting our children.  I have also come to realize much about the food we consume, and have come to understand that this is truly the way we were intended to fuel our bodies.  We really shouldn't be eating any other way.  I didn't want my children to feel alone, and so I made the change.  Things went really well for the first few months, and then I started to struggle.

Because I am a normal human being with struggles and emotional baggage and I'm not perfect.  I can't  tell you how many diets, or new eating plans I have lived through.  The hard thing with this was it was supposed to be a forever change.  Then life happened and my coping mechanism is to eat donuts from the store when I  go grocery shopping.  My poor eating habits have years and years of deep rooted patterns.  I can't just erase them because I want to.

One thing I have realized is that once you cheat, the promise is broken and it becomes insanely easy to cheat again.  Then add to that, friends and family, all meaning well, saying "well, you can have the Lasagna  it's just your kids that can't really eat it.  Well, you can eat this cake, this cheese, this, fill in the blank,"  It's all the encouragement a food addict needs to fall or stay off the band wagon.

And so it has been a long year and half.  It has been far from perfect and has had many ups and downs.  It has had its success' and it's tragic failures.  I will go a month or two at a time and then hit my emotional wall and fall.  My biggest struggle has been feeling like a fake, a liar and a cheater.  I have felt this way with my children and also with you, our support system, because I haven't been totally, truly honest.  I am sorry for that.  I am sorry for deceiving you and keeping my struggle from you.

You may think this post is unnecessary, but I have voluntarily invited you into our lives and I have intentionally led you to believe one thing, while living a different way.  I am telling you now because I want to be done with the lie, the lie of omission.  I want to invite you into my struggle to pray for me and encourage me.

I am also inviting you into this because now that I have exposed myself, I am asking for help.  I don't want to cheat anymore.  I want you to offer me things I shouldn't eat, but I need you not to.  I desire with my whole heart to eat this way for good, from this point on.  I wish I could explain to you the difference I see in myself when I eat a vegetarian, all natural diet.  My ability to love my family, my patience level, my understanding increases and my anger, depression and frustration and lethargic behavior greatly decreases.  It feels like by just changing my diet, I possess the potential to be the person I dream I can be.  I want the best version of myself for me, my husband and my family.  I deeply, desperately want this to be a lifestyle change and never go back.

Another little tid bit for you is that Paul has committed to eating according to the diet till April 15.  This is a whole family affair now and we need you.  We are five days in and having wonderful success.  Yeah, yeah, I know, it's only five days, but everyone has to start somewhere.

Thank you for listening.  Thank you for walking with us.  Thank you for believing in us.  Thank you for praying for us.  We need you.

Update:  I thought I should let you all know that my issue with food can't just be solved by changing my diet with will power.  I believe in the Spirit of God being able to transform my heart and my habits.  A friend of mine and I are starting a wonderful God centered food redemption program called, "Thin Within".  This is a program that focuses on God being the center of your life and when tempted with food you turn to God for help and strength and wisdom.  This is truly the only way to find freedom.

Believing the lie part 2

So everything I wrote yesterday in this blog was true.  But there was more to say.  There is more to say because sometimes when we don't speak up, speak out, say what we need to say, or essentially live our lives, there could be other things at work as well.

We can remain silent in words and actions, living quietly hoping that no one sees us because are afraid to be ourselves.  When we allow others to control our decisions, we have handed them power over our lives.  I don't speak up because I believe you think my thoughts are simple, silly and non important.  I choose not to act because I have given you the power to silence me.  You have become my authority, my master, dictating what I say, when I say it, and how I act or behave.

As a Christian I believe I serve one master.  Well, let's be honest, scripture speaks to only being able to serve one master, as a normal human being, I have not perfected this.  My goal is to try and rededicate myself every day to the one opinion that matters, God's.

After I wrote yesterday's blog, I heard from a friend who confessed to also struggling with these same thoughts.  She heard God speak to her, "just write".  It reminded me of the first time I spoke publicly as a professional.  It was in front of 800 junior high students and I was terrified!  Terrified enough to cry continuously, confess constantly at my lack of being ready, and fear that I had made a huge mistake.  I readied myself that day repeating this mantra  "If one child hears how deeply they are loved by God, then that is why I came.  Just one child."

And then it was as clear as if God was standing right next to me.  I heard him say, "I don't care if all 800 of these students walk away not getting anything.  I brought these 800 students here for you.  I wanted you to trust me.  I wanted you to follow me, and start this journey.  I brought them here so you would say yes to me and trust me to walk you through this."

We so easily forget that we only have one small piece of the puzzle.  That God in his infinite wisdom and direction is doing many things in our lives and in the world all at the same time.  We are but one small piece of the masterpiece.  But our piece is important and our voice is needed.  Our voice and our life is needed because God does work that we do not see when we live our lives trusting him.  I may think what I do is small compared to so many others working to fight AIDS, Hunger, Poverty.  I get down on myself and believe the lie and stay quiet.  Then Satan wins, and I don't play my part.  We aren't supposed to know the effects of each of our actions, we are just supposed to live and trust God to work.  When we stay silent we harden our hearts to the kind of love and trust and faith that God has so sacrificially given to us.  We say no to the greatest gift ever given.

The last thing that really struck me as I was thinking about that post, was how easy it is to live quietly.  I think many people, including myself, are scared to live big lives.  Lives that are full of real strong opinions, or lives that take risks and chances.  Lives that pursue dreams or stand up for what we believe in.  It is terrifying to put yourself out there.  When you put yourself, your thoughts, your opinions, your beliefs, your heart, your soul out there, you leave yourself open for judgement.  Now everyone can really see you, who you are, what you are about. They will see all of you, not just the clean version of yourself you portray to everyone.  Living a big life doesn't mean starting the next big thing that will change the world, it simply means being the truest version of yourself you can be.  It means trusting your voice.  Loving yourself.  Living for God.  That is living a big life, and that my friends can be terrifying.

So there isn't just one lie to believe to keep you chained down, your heart hidden away, dreams tucked in your childhood treasure box.   There are many lies, many fears to fight through to have confidence in your voice, your life, your faith, your heart.

Let's fight the lies my friends.  Let's slay the dragon and move on.  I don't know about you, but I need more alive people in my life, and I can wait for someone else to start, but that would just be another lie.

It starts with you.
It starts with me.

You have a voice.
I have a voice.

Taking time to pray

I believe in quiet prayers.   Prayers that only reach the heart and ears of the God who made you.

But never underestimate the power of praying out loud.  Not only does God hear those prayers, but other important  hearts and ears hear them too.

I think it is critically important that we as Christian parents pray with our children.  I don't just mean your standard meal time and bedtime and morning prayers, or even the Lord's prayer.  I mean, plain speech, talk to a friend, share what's on your heart prayers.  This is one of those of things that we could do from the very beginning with our children.  This way it is never a taught skill, it is a natural form of communication and one they understand, because they have never been without it.

This isn't about passing along religion to our children.  This is about teaching them how to be in a relationship with the Lord.  How to share your heart with him.  Your fears, your joys, and just the every day musings of your mind.

The best part of praying together as a family, out loud, is first, you and your children will grow comfortable praying in front of people.  So many people, even life long Christians, get nervous praying in front of others.  Praying together as a family will help all of you get more comfortable praying out loud in front of others.

Second and most important, you get a direct line straight into the heart and inner thoughts of your children and spouse.  There are many days where our lives are filled with day to day chores, responsibilities and adventures.  You have seen your family, shared laughs with them, frustrations with them, and then when the day is over, you crash into bed.  Days can go by without a true, real connection.

Tonight at bedtime, I was abundantly blessed.  We read our stories, we sang our songs, we said our prayers.  But I wanted us to pray together as a family.  We don't do it every night, and even tonight, I was tired and ready to just be done, finish the dishes and crawl into bed.  But the Lord was nudging me.  "Create the habit. Talk to me", I heard.  And so I said, "Big, what do you want to pray for?"

Big, "God, I pray for our friend Ms. Inga.  I pray God that you would heal her hurt head.  That you would take away her headache.  God I pray that you would help make Kieran and Michael big helpers to Inga so that she can rest, and they would take care of her.  Amen." (I don't think I actually told the kids my friend was ill, they overheard it in a phone conversation.)

Middle, "God I pray for cousin Ryan that you would take away his cancer and he would be all better so he could be with his family.  Make him not sick anymore. (We haven't spoken about Ryan in the last couple weeks, so this touched me very deeply.)  And please God heal mommy's toe so that it won't hurt or fall off.  (I broke my toe last week, but it has no real threat of falling off.)  Amen.

Little, "God I pray for Inga's head. Make it better. See that mama, I prayed for Ms. Inga too! Amen.  (she is a work in progress, but nothing is sweeter to my ears than then sound of small children praying)

Paul then prayed for me that I would not get overwhelmed with chores.  He praised God for the work I do around the house and taking care of our home and our children.  I love nothing more than having my children hear their dad pray to the Lord, especially as he prays for their mom.  I love that my husband did that, and that my children heard that.

I prayed that my children would desire God on their own.  I prayed for wisdom.  I prayed that God would continue to be the final authority in our home and a few other things.

This kind of blessing doesn't happen every day in our home.  But what it reminds me of, and why I share it with you, is to serve as an encouragement.  That we would pray with our children so they can hear our hearts and we can hear theirs.  So that we all know that even though mom and dad have authority in the home, we are all under God's authority.  That our children would hear our confessions and seeking God's forgiveness, communicates to them that we aren't perfect and need God desperately as well.  We get to hear what our children's inner thoughts are, which allows us to serve them and help them more effectively.

My hope and desire is that we would each be encouraged and take the time to pray with our children.  Nothing is more important, and I promise you will be blessed.

Believing the lie

I have kept to myself quite a bit these last few weeks.  I know some of the reasons, which I will write about tomorrow in a new series of blogs for January titled, "The Food Journal".

One reason is that when it comes time to pull out my computer and work, I would rather sit on the couch with Paul and hang out, or sew, or clean, or cook, or read, or sleep.  Lately I am not that interested in being on the computer, I would rather just do life.

Another reason, which is most likely the biggest reason, is I have let myself live in the lie that my voice doesn't really matter.  We live in a time when everyone shares every thought they have.  There are more blogs and articles out there on the internet than there are stars in the sky.  Seriously?!  Who needs my two cents about my family, our life, food issues, crafts, sewing, traveling.  I am an expert in none of these things so why tell you how we wrapped our presents this year, or what we had for dinner.  I can point you to other great blogs already doing and communicating those things already.

When it comes right down to it, the statement in my head is "Who really cares? Why would I write that?  No one cares.  Everyone is already saying all those things, you don't need to say it too. We as a family or me as a speaker don't do things the best way, we just do it our way."  Even writing this makes me anxious because I think its silly.

And so I don't write.  I keep my thoughts to myself.  I get down on myself and belittle my voice.  This angers me the most because it is part of the reason I travel the country speaking to youth and young adults.  I believe that every voice matters.  I deeply believe that when we share our thoughts and hearts and ideas, amazing things happen.  You have no idea what might inspire someone else.  And so I never want to hear students say they don't matter, or that their life isn't that important.

I won't accept those words from others, but its so easy to accept them for myself.  This here in lies the problem.  So often we can believe in others more than ourselves.  I can believe that God's grace is for others, but not for me.  I can believe that others can loose weight, but not me.  I believe that others can be forgiven, but not me.  I believe others can make a difference, but not me.

I wonder if it's because when we believe in ourselves the way God see us, we know our lives would be different.  We would be inspired, and moved to make a difference.  Our lives would be more intentional and we would be held accountable to the things we believe.  We would actually believe in ourselves and the things we say and do would matter.

Most of the time it is just easier to believe the lie.  When we believe the lie that we don't really matter, we are off the hook.  We aren't challenged, we aren't dedicated to a more fulfilling existence.  We can just get by, because we don't see that others see us.

So today I try to stop believing the lie.  I believe that when we share our lives with people, our souls feel connected and great things happen.  This blog has revealed to me a deeply rooted issue I wasn't ready to face, my own self value.

And so my road to reclaim my value and believe in God's stamp on my life begins again today.  My voice and my life matter, and so does yours.  Don't believe the lie.

Have a blessed and wonderful day.

Our Advent Calendar

I heard from a friend who mentioned that she loved our advent calendar, but wasn't able to do it last year.  She has been waiting since last Christmas to do it!  I love that, so I decided to re post it again here.  I just hung our mittens yesterday, so we are getting ready too.

Enjoy!

The Tietjen Advent Calendar