band auditions

My beautiful friend Lindsey Burken is my music muse or musical sugar mama so to speak. Because of her, I have discovered great new music and bands. She takes me to fun concerts or makes me entertaining mixed CD's. I love how she feeds this great love of mine. Tonight she took me to a concert at the Varsity in Mpls. What I was reminded of was how much music fills me. It makes me feel alive. I feel full of energy and fun. I come away feeling refreshed and renewed. I love music. My secret dream was always to be in a band. I would be good in a band I think. I mean, I wouldn't really be there for talent, unless you like the rawness and real voice vs. a trained and skilled and talented voice. I would be there for stage presence. I could rock the front girl routine. I can belt it out, I can dance, a bit, but I can absolutely dress the part and play the part. I would make a great front girl, I think. I want to be in a band. Anyone auditioning? I don't really write music. I don't play an instrument. I'm not really into heavy metal screaming music. (I'm not angry enough for that) And I don't have a lot of free time for practice. But I could totally be your bands front person personality. If you're interested, let me know. I could rock it, I think.

one moment

We all have moments in our day that can make it or break it. I'm not talking about life altering moments, but something more like, a co-worker disrespecting you, a crabby person at the grocery store, someone who surprises you with flowers. Our days are filled with moments. Moments that feed other moments. We had a rough morning, and what is looking like might be a tough afternoon. This isn't the time to share all of that, but you can know, we have had multiple hard moments today. There was also this long stretch of moments this afternoon during nap time where all the kids were quiet. They were all quiet for 30 minutes. Usually when I have rough moments I eat. I choose not to do that today. I choose better for myself. I choose to wash my floors. Its stunning outside. The sun is shinning, its not to cold nor to hot to have windows open, so I flung mine open and pulled open all of my shades and blinds to let as much sunshine flood over us. I love the smell of sunshine and floor cleaner and incense. Its my near perfect trifecta. I turned my music on. No one needed me. It was quiet and smelled amazing in my house. I was choosing good things for myself and for my family. It was an amazing 30 minutes. Now, for the rest of my day, I can't say that. However, I can choose to let the toughness fill me, which will probably lead to exhaustion, and anger, and weariness. Or I can choose to pull from the thing that brought me life, my wonderful 30 minutes. Everyday we have a choice. What are we going to choose to hold on to? Will we hold on to the thing that tears us down? Saps of us of life? Turns our heart towards anger and hate? Or will we choose to hold onto the things that bring life back into us? Those life giving moments do exist in every day, we just need eyes to see them, and hearts to remember them. The things that tear us down are the things that God wants most, which is perfect really, because then we can let them go. The one who knows how to handle it, can handle it. Our hands need to be full of the things that bring life back into us. So, I speak to myself mostly when I say, remember to hold onto the things that bring life, and let go of the things that take life. We all have a choice of what we hold in our hands and hearts.

Time for life

For six weeks my family ventured into a whirlwind of activities, travel, business and vacation time. With all of our adventure we made it a point that when at home, we were strictly at home. Spending time the kids, maintaining a glimpse of life, doing dates with my hubby, family activities. Even with all of our good intentions, the aftermath has been a storm that seems to have sunken us. I haven't written much in the last few weeks because I have been struggling so much. I am pretty sure my mom thinks I need to be medicated. I have cried on the phone almost every day with her trying to make sense of our life, figure out our finances, take care of our house, remove myself from my kids behavior and at the same time figure out how to love them and discipline, and encourage and correct them. I am tired. I am so tired. When we came home from our last leg of our six weeks adventure, I really had quite the pile of bills and life items that needed my attention. My husband and I also agreed that we need to make a stronger effort to be people who are honorable with the money we are given. We are tackling that issue amongst all the others. I couldn't find our house under all the suitcases, winter gear, laundry, to do piles, dishes, and dust. I felt overwhelmed so I ate. I ate whatever I wanted to make myself feel better, and in the end my pants are tight again. I never feel good when I eat for no reason and then am too exhausted to work out. I can't blame my weight on my baby, because I lost it all already. I purely just put it back on. I eat when I'm tired, and overwhelmed, and so that has added to my sinking feeling. So I dove right in. I have clip boards and folders organizing our life. I have cleaned all the winter gear, washed floors, dusted, switched out clothes, did a bunch of those five minutes projects that take two years to do, my house is cleaner that has been in a year. It sounds impressive, but in the midst of that, I have forgotten to spend good intentional time with my kids. They have been struggling with anger, fighting, selfishness, whining, complaining, disobedience, tempers, testing boundaries. You name it, we are dealing it with right now. So my energies have gone to trying to find our life. Doing our life better. Teaching, correcting our children and trying to love them when I don't like them very much right now. I have gone so far as to question if my traveling is worth it. If this is what happens, than it can't be worth it for my kids to get the worst of me and watch them struggle this much. Then my husband and I had our weekly meeting on Sunday night. We prayed together, and I was again reminded of the power of prayer, especially with your partner and spouse. I cried a lot. I confessed a lot of my insecurity as a parent and a spouse. I continued on my own later that night and the next morning. I was reminded of God's grace for us. I was reminded that his mercies are new everyday. I was reminded to let go of my guilt and trust that God can heal me and my kids. I also realized that its not as black and white as leaving my job for my kids. It does however deal with my response to it. When returning home, I can remind myself earlier to spend quality time with my kids. To give them the attention they don't need to act out to get. I can take intentional time with the Lord in the mornings to prepare for the day of struggles. I might yell a little less. It might not change my kids behavior, but it will change how I treat them and either build them up or tear them down and destroy their faith in me. In seeing what has failed this time, I can learn and do better next time. I haven't written much because I haven't felt like I have had anything to offer. I felt so empty and I basically just didn't want to complain. Life has felt overwhelming and I get that it happens. I don't want to hide that, but I was struggling to find good things in my days, even though they were there. But the other thing I realized as I started to bring people back into my life, is that sharing life with people is also what its about. Sharing our hearts, joys and struggles is where love and life and God is. So, I will be blogging more again. I can't promise that they will have insight or strength or a purpose, but I want to share life with you. To bring love, life, and God into all the pieces of who we are.

Mika oh no!

So, we love music in this house. Love it! I wish I had more time to explore new music, but maybe some day in the future. This does not however keep us from enjoying the music we do have. Music is almost always playing in our house.

Currently there are two things happening here. One, Caleb can only remember the lines, "If I had a million dollars, I would buy you a dress, but not a real green dress that's cruel" from BNL.

All I think is, "Really? That's what you remember?" Over, and over, and over, and over.

Second, my eldest really can't dance. I'm a little afraid for him, truly. We have some important people getting married in our lives in the next couple months and this truth will soon be universally known. Mika has been played non-stop on the kitchen CD player for the past three days. This is dance party central while I cook, so I get an up close and personal look at my son. Its sometimes entertaining, sometimes horrifying, and always a shade embarrassing. I mean this kid has no self conscious at all. He is completely content in his body and loves expressing himself. It's kind of like an animal with all the flapping of the arms, the stomping, the facial expression and grunts. Oh yes, I said grunts. I love that about him, but I wonder, can I handle being the mom of the kid who just embarrass himself on the dance floor.

Now if he asks me, I tell him, express yourself! It shouldn't matter what anybody else thinks. You are having fun, that's all that matters. Dancing is moving your body and that's what you are doing.

But.

Secretly, I think, Oh man, someone please teach my kid how to dance or tell him to stop. Just get him to stop! I've tried. It's not working.

I hope I can graduate to really believing what I tell him. I want to love him through this.

And yes, he will probably end up on YouTube soon. I'll let you know when that happens.

It's just the way it is

I had my three kids dressed for the snow. I had lunch for everyone ready. Diapers, wipes, toys, files, receipts, mileage, W2's, was I forgetting anything? Probably.

My kids were outside and getting in the car. I actually looked at myself in the mirror before going outside and said, "You can do this. The past few days have been rough, but you can do this. You will survive one way or another." I know, a little motivational pep talk before going to my tax appointment during lunch time with my kids. Whew. I was kind of asking for it.

I'm wearing my rain boots because I just packed my snow boots away yesterday. I cleaned. The boots are gone, and I'm not bringing them back out. So there I am with my rubbers on and after asking my son three times to get in the car and stop playing in the snow I got upset. My voice got louder to demonstrate that I wasn't wasting time and space just uttering words, but that I actually needed him to get in the car and buckle in. I wanted to leave at 1030. It was 1050. We were off to a great start.

So after talking through things with Noah, it sounded kind of like (Noah how do we both have success? How can I get you to listen, and how do I stop getting upset?) It ended with Noah saying he was tired of being a kid and having to listen, and I told him to just wait till he got a boss.

Then the Low Fuel light came on. 20 min late and the low fuel came on. Then Lu started to cry. It was a wail yet, just a dull, I'm mad at you, you aren't giving me what I need kind of cries. We venture in the snow, everyone is going slow, the baby is crying and Caleb asks questions that Conan would do a comedy sketch of. You know those kids who just look around to fuel the ques ions? That's my kid.

Mom, why's that tree all green?
Is it leaves or needles?
Its like Christmas right?
Is Nana and papa going to help us cut down our Christmas tree?
Boat Nana and boat papa right?
Do they live in Texas?
Where's MI?
I want a boat. When we get more money can we have a boat?
Why is that person walking? Don't they have a car?
Is that a school bus?
Why's it yellow?
Mom, Why"s Lu crying?

It's constant. And it may be entertaining to you, but its not anymore to me. I'm a talker. I do it for a living. I married a talker. A man who loves to tell stories. We should have known better. We naturally made more talkers, but then we also discuss everything with our kids, so we now nurture the nature of talking in our kids. Oh dear Lord help me.

I did answer Caleb's question about Lu crying, telling him that Lu needed me and I couldn't give her what she needed right now. The boys then took the next five minutes to discuss my lack of parenting. No she's crying because mom isn't feeding her. No she stinks and mom isn't changing her. I think she just wants mom to hold her and she's too busy. Wow. I feel like a stellar mom now. Thanks boys for that rundown.

And yes if you were wondering, I'm slightly slipping on the roads, checking directions, the baby is still crying and Caleb is still asking questions.

Once on the highway, a car next to us changes lanes and kicks up a HUGE amount of snow/slush onto our windshield. HUGE. Like, I can't see for 6 seconds because there is so much snow on my front window. The crashing of it sounded like a door slamming. I panicked and switched the wipers off instead of on high. It was an intense 6 seconds. This little episode, no matter how lightly I played it off, terrified my oldest. He is now whimpering to my daughters crying next to my son's questions about snow/slush, how the snow did that, where's the car, what color is it, etc. Oh dear Lord help me.

I'm starting to get nervous about the gas, and 20 miles later, we get the gas station. It was an exhilarating gas stop. I got violated by the storm. The storm whipped my shirt up, snow went down my pants and down the front of my shirt. My hair got stuck in the door, and I slipped in the snow. I was able however to get a bottle to Lu to help her calm down. No more crying. Oh dear Lord help me.

After one wrong turn and 75 questions later, we arrived. I told the kids the plan. Bathroom stop, lunch when we get to the office and if you behave, ice cream when we're done. The boys go to their bathroom, I lay Lu down on a cold tile floor to change her diaper. She totally gave me the look of "What am I doing down here?" Then we head upstairs.

We have pita and hummus, we take out all the toys, Lu takes all the books off the shelves, Caleb gets cheese stuck to his pants, hummus in his hair, Lu dumps water all over herself, Noah falls down just standing there (I'm just not sure how he does that), and all the contents of my purse get dumped out. It went alright. We were there for an hour, after the first five minutes Noah wanted to know if we were done. We got everything picked up. The boys got suckers when we left, and I told them they didn't burn the building down so we would get ice cream.

Noah fell asleep in the car, I made another three wrong turns and we made it to McDonald's. Not really thrilled that I promised ice cream, good behavior should be expected not always rewarded, but they really weren't bad. They sat and played and accidents happened. We got ice cream, and headed home.

Nap time happened in the car, so no peace and quiet in this house today. Hmmm...I'm tired. But I don't think we owe anything on our taxes, so today was a success. Now I just need to decide if I want to take the three kids out again in 6in of snow to go to church by myself. Maybe I'm addicted to high maintenance. Most men would agree.