Time for life

For six weeks my family ventured into a whirlwind of activities, travel, business and vacation time. With all of our adventure we made it a point that when at home, we were strictly at home. Spending time the kids, maintaining a glimpse of life, doing dates with my hubby, family activities. Even with all of our good intentions, the aftermath has been a storm that seems to have sunken us. I haven't written much in the last few weeks because I have been struggling so much. I am pretty sure my mom thinks I need to be medicated. I have cried on the phone almost every day with her trying to make sense of our life, figure out our finances, take care of our house, remove myself from my kids behavior and at the same time figure out how to love them and discipline, and encourage and correct them. I am tired. I am so tired. When we came home from our last leg of our six weeks adventure, I really had quite the pile of bills and life items that needed my attention. My husband and I also agreed that we need to make a stronger effort to be people who are honorable with the money we are given. We are tackling that issue amongst all the others. I couldn't find our house under all the suitcases, winter gear, laundry, to do piles, dishes, and dust. I felt overwhelmed so I ate. I ate whatever I wanted to make myself feel better, and in the end my pants are tight again. I never feel good when I eat for no reason and then am too exhausted to work out. I can't blame my weight on my baby, because I lost it all already. I purely just put it back on. I eat when I'm tired, and overwhelmed, and so that has added to my sinking feeling. So I dove right in. I have clip boards and folders organizing our life. I have cleaned all the winter gear, washed floors, dusted, switched out clothes, did a bunch of those five minutes projects that take two years to do, my house is cleaner that has been in a year. It sounds impressive, but in the midst of that, I have forgotten to spend good intentional time with my kids. They have been struggling with anger, fighting, selfishness, whining, complaining, disobedience, tempers, testing boundaries. You name it, we are dealing it with right now. So my energies have gone to trying to find our life. Doing our life better. Teaching, correcting our children and trying to love them when I don't like them very much right now. I have gone so far as to question if my traveling is worth it. If this is what happens, than it can't be worth it for my kids to get the worst of me and watch them struggle this much. Then my husband and I had our weekly meeting on Sunday night. We prayed together, and I was again reminded of the power of prayer, especially with your partner and spouse. I cried a lot. I confessed a lot of my insecurity as a parent and a spouse. I continued on my own later that night and the next morning. I was reminded of God's grace for us. I was reminded that his mercies are new everyday. I was reminded to let go of my guilt and trust that God can heal me and my kids. I also realized that its not as black and white as leaving my job for my kids. It does however deal with my response to it. When returning home, I can remind myself earlier to spend quality time with my kids. To give them the attention they don't need to act out to get. I can take intentional time with the Lord in the mornings to prepare for the day of struggles. I might yell a little less. It might not change my kids behavior, but it will change how I treat them and either build them up or tear them down and destroy their faith in me. In seeing what has failed this time, I can learn and do better next time. I haven't written much because I haven't felt like I have had anything to offer. I felt so empty and I basically just didn't want to complain. Life has felt overwhelming and I get that it happens. I don't want to hide that, but I was struggling to find good things in my days, even though they were there. But the other thing I realized as I started to bring people back into my life, is that sharing life with people is also what its about. Sharing our hearts, joys and struggles is where love and life and God is. So, I will be blogging more again. I can't promise that they will have insight or strength or a purpose, but I want to share life with you. To bring love, life, and God into all the pieces of who we are.