I have often wondered what the point of my blog is. If I knew, than it would be easier to figure out what to share with you all. Most of the time, its to remind myself to see God in all things and have hope that I am not alone. I believe that by sharing life we encourage one another and support each other in making through each day.
Lately, some of my energy has returned and it has felt like there just really aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done. My children have been extra needy, little has been sick for over a week, and not only is my house messy and dirty, its highly unorganized. Its the trfecta of chaos. I don't need a really clean home, I truly don't, but when half my windows are boarded up, there is still glass in my yard and tarps on the roof, I need something cleaned. Give me at least one room, or part of a room. I'll take even that. So the past week has just been staying up late, cleaning, organizing, and just more cleaning. I haven't slept much and haven't once opened my Bible for encouragement.
I am running on empty.
You know what happens when I run on empty? I become the leader of cranky. I become the worst version of myself. The version of myself that I try to never admit to anyone that she really exists. I want to pretend that she never shows up, but frankly, she has taken up camp in my house. Every time I open my mouth, I'm not proud of what comes out. When I'm running on empty, every spill is a tragedy, every disagreement is the end of the world, every nag for a snack sounds like a shouting match. When I'm running on empty, there is no peace in my house.
Yesterday was probably one of the worst days I've had in a while, and that's really saying something considering how overwhelmed I've felt as of late. I couldn't believe who I had become. I think I apologized for my behavior every half hour.
Then family snuggle time happened.
A few times a week the whole family piles into mine and Paul's bed. We turn the soft lamp on and some gentle music, then we just hang out. We bring a book in, we read, we giggle, we tickle, we snuggle. We pray over the kids, and talk about our day. We ask for forgiveness and whatever happened that day just sort of washes away. Family snuggle time grounds us. It cleans us. It strengthens us. It reconnects us. No matter what feels overwhelming in life, this cherished time in bed is protected.
I like to be honest about my life. I want to communicate the reality of who I am and what life can be like, but I don't just want to complain when things are hard.
I feel beyond blessed to have a family that forgives me when I am at my worst. I am so thankful for friends who remind me that life is overwhelming right now. That it's OK to mourn all the things lost in the last month and thankful for friends who send loving emails and cards in the mail. I am indebted to my mother who listens to me everyday and lifts me up in prayer.
Even at my worst, I have so much to be thankful for. When God feels distant or my relationship with him is stale, I am encouraged to know that he meets with me through the friends and family in my life.
The only thing I have read in scripture in that two weeks in my children's Bible stories, and yet, even that is enough to remind me that God is and will be my strength. That I am not left alone to my own devise.
I should go to bed now so I can get up and spend time with the Lord in the morning, or I could just do it now.