Overwhelmed

You know what happens on vacation? You get to rest. Everything in life has the opportunity to stop or slow down and you can for the first time in a long…relax.

When your body relaxes and you have the time to slow down, you start to see your life for all that it is. It’s crazy schedule, projects, expectations, difficulties, etc. It all has a chance to sink in.

All my crazy is sinking in, and what I realized is how tired I am. I am over emotional and over tired. I am dry to the bones in patience, kindness, energy, and spiritual encouragement.

I’m tired.

I realize that people live lives that are far more difficult than mine. I don’t want to be a complainer nor do I look for sympathy. What I would like to communicate is honesty. My current reality feels overwhelming.

I am overwhelmed by current and distant friends generosity to my family.

I am overwhelmed by seeing the body of Christ as he has meant it to be, loving each other and those we don’t know well in their time of need.

I am overwhelmed by the hearts of my parents in the way they care for me and my children.

I am overwhelmed by the work, phone calls, receipts, tiles, shingles, paint colors we have to deal with to fix our house.

I am overwhelmed by the wonder and difference of my neighborhood every time I see it.

I am overwhelmed by the statement, “A tornado hit our house.”

I am overwhelmed by Gluten Free.

I am overwhelmed by Soy Free.

I am overwhelmed by Dairy Free.

I am overwhelmed by Sugar Free.

I am overwhelmed by High Fructose Corn Syrup Free.

I am overwhelmed by Artificial Food Coloring Free.

I am overwhelmed by Pork/White potato Free.

(They each get their own line because each comes with their own issues, and each is equally overwhelming, let alone all together.)

I am overwhelmed by being the “No mom”. No, you can’t eat that, No you can’t drink that, No we can’t eat there, No we can’t buy that, No mom can’t make you that. Etc.

I am overwhelmed by two boys who truly do love each other, yet can’t seem to get through a day without fighting every 10 minutes.

I am overwhelmed by a daughter who is stronger willed than my other two strong willed boys put together.

I am overwhelmed by our budget and money.

I am overwhelmed by the lack of attention my speaking business has received the last couple months.

I am overwhelmed by all the thoughts in my head that want to become blogs or books or talks.

I am overwhelmed with guilt that I haven’t taken any serious time to read scripture or pray for strength.

I am tired.

I admit to these things publicly not to receive sympathy or judgment (maybe you think I shouldn’t feel overwhelmed, and to that I say good for you, you are a stronger person than I am and don’t come to my house cause I’ll be angry with jealously for you). I say these things to be honest about where I am.

I used to be a person who thought I had it all together, or pretended enough to try to fool others and myself. Not anymore. This is my day of freedom. I am done trying to impress people. I am done trying to look or sound or act or fool myself into believing that I have this thing called life figured out.

I am having not just having a hard day, but a hard couple of months. This is my reality. In being honest about it, I don’t wish to be a complainer or not look for joy in my situation. Admitting it, frees me to be honest, and take down my false expectations. In being honest, I don’t have to waste time trying to impress anyone anymore. Now I can truly just be me, and try to find the light in every day even when I feel overwhelmed.

Today my daughter hugged me tight and giggled when she saw me. A light.

Today my son told me his life was better because I was in it. A light.

Today my parents kissed me goodnight and encouraged me to go to bed at 8pm and take the night for myself. A light.

Tonight I get to read a book for pleasure. A light.

Tonight I pray. A light.