One of my deepest struggles

You haven't heard from me because the only thing consuming my time is reading the Hunger Games. I don't know what the purpose of the book is. If it was purely a book for pleasure or did the author have a reason for what she wrote about. Did it have to do with how you can't help whom you love, or does it have to do about social justice, government involvement, or moving a generation of younger readers to desire to fight for their own future. I don't know and I haven't spent anytime searching out interviews, because my own reaction is still hard enough to sift through.

If you haven't read the Hunger games, I don't know if I would give anything away really, but you may want to stop reading.

There is an onslaught of emotions in this book and it has stirred up long time feelings in me. I had just come to peace with my life. I had just resolved to be thankful and grateful for this time with my kids when they are young. That although I have a desire to do more, travel and participate in eliminating discrimination, war and hunger with the lack of schools, this is where I need to be right now. My children are only young once and they need our training to be prepared. I could finally accept that raising my children to be aware of these things and to give them a heart for all people is a gift in that fight as well. That in a few short years they will have their own lives to live and my influence and direction only lasts for so long.

As I look at this previous paragraph it makes me chuckle in sarcasm as I think how in the world have I done anything to communicate my heart for less war and selfishness and destruction on our planet. But then I realize it is at the source of why I become unhappy. Because my hidden desire to participate in the fight for the goodness of man is always put away on the back shelf loosing its place in my life to prepare meals, clean up after meals, shop for food for the meals, do laundry, picking up toys, cleaning up spills and trying to raise my kids and see my husband. It makes me feel like a fake saying I care about these things at all because I see no proof of it in my daily life. That statement alone brings me to tears. I feel like a sell out. I feel like a fake. I feel overwhelmed. I wonder where there is time to care about these things when my current life feels overwhelming. Food and the effects of food have overtaken my existence and has left me empty in my desire to help others.

This trilogy brought the injustice of the poor and the downright need to fight against the system slamming into the forefront of my thoughts and my heart. Thoughts I used to have and fights I wanted to fight before that are now covered in dust. It has unsettled me and left me wondering and questioning how I can go forward and which step I take to start participating again in the fight against injustice.

It then becomes my indecision that cripples me from doing anything. I become the thing I speak against and I almost don't know how to fix that. I speak all over the country encouraging students and adults alike to be not be overwhelmed with the whole of the world and its needs, but take it one step at a time, one need at a time, and in that we bring more love into our world truly allowing it to change the hearts of others. Taking my own advice of one small good deed, one need at a time seems small and trite, though I know with my whole soul it is not, I can not fend off the taunting little voice inside me that says I was made to do more.

Maybe it’s a dream or a wish, but I always connect to or want to be the person in the story who was turned into a leader. Who could rally hundreds and thousands of people to the fight against the one who causes the injustice. Or to be the person who could sacrifice everything to stand out and make a difference. I don’t know that I really am that person, but I want to be. I dream I could be. Maybe. Even saying that feels pompous and arrogant, but if I could have a dream, I would want to be the person who inspires others and advocates and fight for a real change that makes the world better for all who live in it.

Some would say it is a question of identity, but I know who I am. It becomes far less about who you are, but it does beg the question, what do I do with who I am? The question plagued Katniss, “What do I do?” How do I respond to all the selfish acts that are destroying people’s lives? Do you sit by or do you act in the rebellion and fight for what is right? How do I help against the systems that destroy people? Systems that keep the poor poor. Take small children and turn them into solders. Take young girls and sell them for sex. Allow women who speak out of turn to be burned as a lesson. Allow poisons to be put in our food and turn us all into cancer patients killing us off slowly. Systems where the rich get richer off the poor mans labor. Where people will lie, steal kill and destroy innocents than to admit they are wrong.

I heard a song yesterday and I just kept singing this one line over and over while I let the tears fall, “Is love alive. Is love alive. Is love. Alive.” Yes I believe that in small ways it is, but what I wept over was truly wondering if love was alive in the government, within the leaders of not only the country but the world. Those making the choices that directly affect us, living under their systems. I believe that answer is no.

My mind has not just been unsettled; it has been at war with itself. My thoughts are consumed around that question, “What do I do?” The hard thing about living in our time of technology is that we are all very well aware of the injustices going on around the world. No you won’t see it on your TV which is overwhelmed with reality television, which is another system I would love to fight, but its there, online, in magazines, and on certain news stations. We can’t claim ignorance anymore.

Can we just sit by or can we do something.

And what is that something.

And can we really pull it off.

I loved the hunger games, but I don’t know what to do with the effects it’s had on me.

DISCLAIMER*** If you know me than you know that I am a big believer in seeing a need and meeting a need and watching how that makes a difference. I support all sorts of local organizations that are feeding the poor, giving clothes to the homeless and counseling and basic needs to VETS, orphans, and single families as well as sick and mistreated people. I support and believe in what meeting people’s immediate needs means to them and to the system. What I want is a bigger fight. I want to see policies change. I want to see government make choices made that are right for people, not for themselves. Not just our country, but each country in his own right. I am coming from a place of being worn down by brokenness. The effects of sin and how it steals life from us has seemed overwhelming as of late.