What do you do when you feel completely and utterly overwhelmed and incapable of actually making it through half a day without everything going to hell in a hand basket? (And, really, where did that phrase even come from?)
I don't know how to exsist in my own skin when I feel I might burst like I do right now.
I have this amazing husband who I love spending time with. I love creating a space in our home where he feels warmth and love and encouraged when he gets home. (notice I did not say clean, I just meant generally happy people he comes home to.) I long to invest in our marriage where the only thing we want to do in the evening is spend time together, talking about life, dreams and faith. I never want the spark to leave us. I want there to be time every day where we can invest in some real way in the foundation of what makes our family. I also want to be able to support him in his dreams and be on his team for making his dreams work. I love him and want more time for him.
I also have these incredible, spirited, funny, normal acting out kids that I JUST LOVE TO PIECES! Good grief, is it possible for a mom to love her kids more than I love mine? When they came home today from school, we put on an old vinal record and played card games for an hour. I just kind of want to hang out with them all the time participating in dance parties, reading stories, building snow forts, playing legos, coloring pictures, the list goes on and on. I want to pour into them spiritually, preparing thier devotions and creating a family structure that is based in God's truth, and his freedom for creating and love. I want to teach them to lean into God when they need answers so that they know it isn't me or Paul, but He is the one they should seek. I want to have time to prepare crafts and activities for us to do as a family. I want time to teach them all sorts of character building qualities that are important for this life. I want them to have time to play freely, participate in chores, help with the planting and growing and preparing of our food because this is a life skill they need. I want so much for them it feels overwhelming today as I try to figure out where to put my efforts in my last hour of free time tonight to prepare for them tomorrow. I love them and want more time for them.
I am blessed to have amazing people in my life. I mean, really, incredible people where my desire never matches my reality in loving and serving them. Investing in them. Knowing them. Encouraging them and uplifting them. I want more time to remember all the small and big things going on in their lives. I want to be the friend they can count on. The friend they can call in a crisis. I NEVER want any of these people to think, "She is too busy for me to call". That would break my heart. I love them and want more time with them.
I serve on this beautiful board of servant hearted folks that make up the Haiti Mission Project. I recently made a mistake that will cost one of our members more time and energy than before to help correct my mistake. My mistake of neglegence. One of my great fears revealeved. That I really just am too busy or too lazy to stay focused and committed to this task. I love Haiti. I love this ministry. I am in love with the people we work with. I am honored to work alongside the other board members. How do I committ more time or energy to making our dreams and plans happen in this wonderful little country? I love them and want more time for them.
I believe with my whole heart that God put a gift and desire in my heart for sharing his life giving love with others. I currently couldn't define exactly that looks like but am in the process of figuring it out. I know it means writing. I know it means speaking. I know I need to do it to feel alive. But writing my book right now feels crazy. Planning a small tour seems impossible. Organizing all the business details to make that happen takes up more time than I want. So then I should get an assistant and look what it would take to make that happen to free up more personal time, but in the end, paying someone else takes pay away from my family which needs it. And that all just makes my head hurt. But I love this and want more time with it.
Then there is my love of reading, cooking, sewing, gardening, working out, sleeping, painting, and writing. I love all these things and want more time with them.
What do you do when you have too much you love and not enough time? Giving up on any one of these feels kind of wrong. I know that there are seasons in life and through each season, one love takes the front seat while another the back. Lately however, they all seem to be screaming "SHOT GUN!".
My head is spinning, and my heart feels like I ate too much at Thanksgiving. I also know that everyday you survive, you just keep chipping away. You just try to make a little improvement each day. You invite God into the process. You surrender your control and expectations, and let him take the lead.
But today, I felt like my baby spoon was in no way the tool I needed to face the mountain.
And some days are like that.
Some days, you just thank the Good Lord you survived the day. You go to sleep. Rest your weary body and soul, and tomorrow, see if you can start over.
This is where I am today. Coming home from a weekend youth retreat where I was incredibly sick for two days, in the game of life, today won. It kicked my butt to the curb. But, tomorrow is a new day.
Thank God for new beginings.