A bit of crazy

It's funny, the last few weeks, even months have been about preparing Big for school. When the day finally came and he left the house, I walked back in to two peaceful kids playing quietly. They played that way for over an hour.

On more than one occasion I stood in the middle of my living room and thought, what do I do with myself? I started to realize that I will have time. Not a ton of time still with two children at home, but more time than I am used to, and I had no idea what to do with myself.

My mind was filled with random thoughts and questions and emotions and fears and excitement. If you called me at any point, my answer was different every time I answered the phone. I have no idea how to do life right now.

Last week was the first time I felt like I could really breathe. Not just for a few moments maybe, but for a whole day. I started to feel like I could do life again.

Now the rules of the game have changed again and I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

We have a strict morning and night time routine. I have lunches I need to prepare and uniforms that have to be clean. A whole new ball game indeed.

Today I felt incomplete without Big.
I was excited to have two kids which is much easier to manage.
I didn't know what to do.
I was hoping Big was good and happy and behaving.
I was sad about having such little time during each day with him.
I thought to myself, I could actually get stuff done!!!
I wandered aimlessly around.
I cried over the fact that my son has started the process he will be in till he leaves my house.
I cried scared that all my fears for his choices will drive him away.
I snuggled and giggled and tickled my daughter who belly laughed the whole time.
I watched a cartoon with middle.
I took my two little ones out to lunch.
I missed my son who has been with me almost every day of life.
Today felt like breaking up with someone.
I was reminded that my children are a HUGE part of my life, but NOT my life.
I remembered that it is the goal of every parent to raise children who will leave the house and develop their own life.
I remembered that as parents you give your best to your children so they can make their own choices and mistakes and find love and grace and forgiveness in you and the Lord.
I was scared that my example of being a Christian won't be enough for Big to choose God in comparison to what else is out there.
I was scared for all the things that will hurt my son.
I was excited for all the fun things my son will discover.
I prayed and hoped for amazing friends.
I desire wisdom and fear doubt.
I was happy.
I was sad.
I was lonely.
I was lost.
I was free.
I was confused.

I'm tired of feeling all these things. I wish being a parent was easier, or my ability to really let go of my issues was complete. I've let them go before and felt peace. But I have found that if I don't continue to lay down my fears, they will come back and control me again.

Step by step, day by day, God will be enough and we will figure this out.

Now time for bed so I can do it all over again, but maybe a little less wandering around my house. My kids might start getting worried.