A little insight

These last few days during my devotion time, God has been putting cracks in my composure and breaking down my sense of control. I have wept this last week confessing to God my fears, doubts, and insecurities as a person, a mother, a wife and a friend. I have confessed to God that I don't even know what to pray but that I am weary of the battle. The battle of mistrust. The battle for control.

Prayer this week has lifted my burden and I have felt peace.

Until today.

Today I worked all day on preparing food for big's birthday party. He turned six today. Tomorrow we celebrate with friends Green Lantern style. We are having BBQ Chicken Bites, corn on the cob, potato salad, green smoothies, guacamole and chips, green fruit Kabobs and Cake balls. All of this will be homemade to adhere to our family diet. The diet that was started because of Big, but followed through because it the best choice for our family. BBQ sauce's main ingredient is ketchup, but to have ketchup without sugar, we make our own. We started with homemade ketchup, moved to BBQ sauce from scratch, cake, frosting, potato salad, and guacamole all from scratch. It was a big day in the kitchen, but I love doing it for my kids. I love what it means for them, I love their help in the kitchen and all around its a good ole time.

Then Middle came in with a treat that his friend from outside gave him. I told him he couldn't have it, but offered him a treat he could have. That is when he informed me that Big did have the treat.

I was a little stunned. Big is so good about saying no, and knowing what he can and can't have.

I went outside and saw the treat in question was jelly beans, and so I asked Big to open his mouth and there I smelled the jelly beans and could see the remains in his teeth.

I was stunned.

I was speechless.

Two weeks ago I accidentally gave Big regular noodles when I thought they were rice noodles. The effects of that lasted for three days. I cried, we yelled, we fought, Big was possessed once again and was screaming and loosing control. He was defiant, disobedient, he would dig his heels in and fight me on every turn.

This is what happens when he eats what he shouldn't.

Now on the day before his party, he ate what he wasn't supposed to. I was heartbroken. I had just spent the whole day cooking and baking and trying new recipes, all to help my son live life to the fullest.

Now he had poisoned himself. I know what's coming and I am weary to think of it. The attitude, the fights, the irrational behavior, and I know he can't help it. It's like something else takes over his body.

I couldn't believe how much I felt broken. How devastated I felt. I have changed everything. EVERYTHING! And still I ultimately can't control what he eats.

It has to be his decision.

And I get it. I truly do. I want things I shouldn't eat, don't we all? I mean come on, most of us don't have discipline when it comes to food we should and shouldn't eat, and here I am asking my son to never give in. Ever. But the problem comes in that eating what he shouldn't, my son changes our whole family dynamic. It is tense, angry, and frustrating. I don't like what it does to my relationship with my him. But I get wanting to eat what everyone else is.

Here is why I ended up weeping on more than one occasion today.

For all that I do to help my child, he has to make the choice himself. What that does mean is that I am looking at years of not knowing when he choose poorly. Our whole family will suffer when he does. My response to him and our interaction is strained and angry and I don't want to live like that. But again, the choice s not mine.

While feeling the weight of those words, God slowly spoke to my heart.

Here he is, investing in us. Giving to us. Blessing us. Teaching, training, correcting, loving and sacrificing for us. Giving us everything he has for our betterment. For us to have fulfilling life. Yet, ultimately we have to choose him every day and what he offers us. When we choose the things in our lives that hurt us, it also hurts Him and our relationship with Him. The things that everyone else has. The stuff we want even when we know its not good for us. And then that stuff, the TV, the addictions, that one relationship, food/drinks, popularity, whatever that thing is that hurts us that takes us from the loving arms of the one who made us.

We hurt him and our relationship with him when we choose things over him.

This road of being allergy free seems longer to me today. I lost more control today. God stripped me of it and reminded me of my place and His place in my son's life. This will happen again, and we will be there to deal with it. Live through it, and hopefully learn from it.

I just need to figure out how to love myself and my son during these times when we will be tested.

God has granted me a small insight into the depth of his love and desire for us.

I am thankful to know a piece of his heart that I did not before.

But truthfully, I wish it didn't demand so much from me. I will wrestle with that next week.